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Want
to get in on the boy-on-boy dating game? Tom Samiljan tells you how it’s
done.
Yeah, dating can be scary,
totally lacking clear rules for making the first move, picking up the check
and scoring booty. But unless you’re dorky enough to believe that life
really is like A Beautiful Thing—with Boy Right skipping into your lonely,
porn-filled room—you need to get out, press the flesh (if you’re
lucky) and have some fun. Here are some easy-to-follow rules that’ll
snag you that first date—and the second.
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Tried
the sex club, bar and internet? Check out these unexpected “meet”
markets. –Nick Burns
The
Church Basement: “I like to meet guys at 12-step meetings.
There are lots of vulnerable men there.” —Noah, 24, Santa
Cruz, CA
The
Hoe Down: “I’ve met a lot of great guys at gay social
events like the Big Apple Ranch—a country/western dancing event
for queers in the city. The only rule is that you can’t turn someone
down if they ask you to dance.” —Brannon, 26, New York City
Your
Girlfriend’s Party: “Straight women always seem to have
a gay friend they want me to meet. I’ve heard girls say ‘You
would look so cute together’ more often than I’d care to admit,
but you sure meet a lot of boys.” –Aaron, 20, San Francisco
The
Fresh Produce Section: “The supermarket is a great place to
scope out the date candidates while picking out what to have for dinner.
I keep my eyes peeled for the perfect butternut squash and take inventory
of the men.” –Kai, 26, San Francisco
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SHUT
UP AND LISTEN
It’s not always about you, Chatty Cathy. We homos can be lame-ass listeners.
“This one date just talked about himself and how good he was,” recalls
San Francisco student Zak, 20. “I didn’t get a word in. He just came off as
insecure.” While dating, stop every five minutes and run a private sound
check. “There are way too many achingly self-absorbed gay men,” says Dave
Singleton, author of The Mandates: 25 Real Rules for Successful Gay Dating (www.themandates.com). “The thing to keep in
mind is: Spilling your guts is as attractive as it sounds.” P.S. Talking
on your cell phone, even briefly, is Rudeville, U.S.A. No ifs, ands, or buts.
DON'T
OFFER TMI (TOO MUCH INFORMATION)
Though a real horndog, Danny, a 26-year-old lawyer from Huntsville, Alabama,
prefers that his first dates not divulge that, say, they got fucked in a sling
the night before. On a recent outing, Danny felt his passion deflate as his
date “started telling me about his various sexual quirks. “It was
stuff like having sex with members of the animal kingdom.” Remember,
says Atlanta-based counselor John R. Ballew, MS, “Dating isn’t confession
time. Keep the level of self-disclosure about the same as the other person,
maybe a step or two beyond if your intuition says it’s appropriate.”
HAVE
A PLAN
Edward, a 26-year-old Medicaid worker from Alexandria, Louisiana, withstood
a first date in which the other guy just drove him around town for three hours.
“He had no idea what I’d find fun,” Edward says. Dinner is
always great, but can require too much commitment for the modern homosexual.
“I prefer drinks or coffee,” says Jeffrey, 22, a gallerist from
Indiana. “You can always leave.” If you’re the silent type,
try museums and walking tours. Michael, a 26-year-old Atlanta bartender, has
lured guys into skydiving.
CHIVALRY
IS NOT DEAD
Admit it: Gay guys wanna be treated like ladies. Offer a jacket when someone’s
cold—especially if it’s Prada. “I like it when someone makes
a gesture to pay for dinner or holds the door,” says Christian, 21, a
Vassar College senior. “Maybe I have weird romantic notions, but I like
being pampered that way.” But don’t go overboard: “Grand gestures
are much better once you’re down the dating path a bit,” says Singleton.
SEX
ON THE FIRST DATE? OK
Gay men lack any hard rule against instant sack-hopping. “I don’t
think it matters whether you have sex on the first date,” says New York
City television producer Alberto, 29. “Generally, I don’t think
two guys have as much baggage around sex as some women.” But not everyone
agrees, says Singleton. “It’s hard to have much
when you’re flying into, for example, an online hookup. But guys who
want relationships should be careful. It’s usually ‘easy come, easy
go’ when you have sex too soon, and not all guys are happy with that.”
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Question: What was the most memorable thing a guy ever did to get
(and keep) your attention?
Gave
me the cutie discount and snuck me his digits:
“I brought a $150 sweater up to the counter at Bloomingdales, and
this boo-boo sales guy told me to give him only $15. I thought he was
just being nice! But when I got home, I saw he had written his number
on the receipt.’” —Jeff Walker, 28, New York City
Spared
some change:
“I was playing pinball at a crowded bar when I ran I out of money.
I looked up to see if I could make it to the bar for change, and this
super-cute guy gave me a big smile, and a handful of quarters!”
—Jeremy Gremillion, 22, New Orleans
Pulled
me over:
“I was speeding home from work one day, and I was stopped by a
cop. I got off with a warning...and a phone number. It helped that I
had a Human Rights Campaign sticker on the back of my car.”
—Jonathan Warnock, 30, New York City
Went
over the top:
“I was supposed to meet this guy for a first date at the bar at
a hotel. But when I met him, it wasn’t just about drinks—he
had gotten a whole suite for us upstairs!” —George Gage, 23,
Miami
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REMEMBER
HIV
If you’re sane, you always take precautions. But be prepared to discuss
HIV—your date’s status or your own. Anthony, 28, a travel agent
from Ft. Lauderdale who discovered he was positive early this year, discloses
case by case, usually not on the first date. “I like to wait until the
guy gets to know me a little,” he says. “I don’t bring it up
if I don’t think the relationship is going to go anywhere sexually.”
And while there’s no hard and fast rule about when to disclose, Ballew
says it’s always a good idea to discuss HIV “way before you’re
naked and between the sheets.”
CHILL
WITH THE DRUGS
Nothing says “mess” more than a sloppy drunk or a twitchy cokehead.
Kevin, 27, a media analyst from New York City, had a date that started off
nicely over dinner. “We went to a bar afterward and had a couple of margaritas,”
says Kevin. “He became progressively more annoying. I kept trying to
end the evening, and as we were saying good-bye, he ripped my shirt!”
LOOK
SHARP
Why go clone when you can look fabulously original? “This one guy showed
up wearing Abercrombie head to toe,” says Darryl, 30, a Los Angeles actor.
“I didn’t like the lack of thought that went into his attire—it
reflected a cookie-cutter gay image.” Oh, and here’s an easy tip:
Smile. Most of us are so busy trying to seem uninterested in the guys around
us we end up looking like Charlize Theron in Monster. “Someone who knows
how to flash a smile at the right time,” says bartender Michael, “can
just melt a heart.” Ready, guys? Start melting!
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