Want a good ride? Jamie Bufalino has 10 rules for the road.

Flip as much as you like through the recent edition of Essential Manners for Men, the latest behavioral bible from the persnickety Emily Post Institute—you won’t find one solitary entry on man-on-man etiquette. We’ve decided to make up for the Post Institute’s oversight by asking tops and bottoms (as well as those who swing both ways) their biggest do’s and don’ts when it comes to what is potentially the hairiest of interpersonal encounters: anal sex. Here are the Ten Commandments of backdoor lovin’.

I. Thou Shalt Not Kill the Mood by Showing Up With a Nasty Crack: Bottoms, there’s a special place in coital hell for guys who don’t put the effort into being as minty-fresh as possible back there (no bits of Charmin, no colonic surprises) before offering themselves up for a plowing. So what to do? Most docs say enemas aren’t the answer, and “I don’t recommend douching,” says New York–based Stephen Goldstone, MD, author of The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex: A Medical Handbook for Men. “Simply wipe with a clean moist cloth.” (Tissues tend to shred.) Footnote: Tops should also be hypervigilant and not show up with a bad case of crotch stench!

II. Thou Shalt Not Rush the Sodomitic Process: Tops, give your guy time to relax and open up before receiving your holy scepter (in the words of one San Francisco bottom, “My ass is not made by Microsoft—this is not Plug ’n’ Play.”) “Use constant gentle pressure,” advises Goldstone. “Feel the muscles relax before you go in.” Bottoms, make sure you give your partner enough foreplay action to ensure rock-hard penile status. Nothing ruins a good fucking like a wilting schlong.

III. Thou Shalt Bareback at Thine Own Risk: Far be it from us to play Big Brother in the bedroom (unless you like that sort of thing). But bottoms, if you let a guy in you raw, you can assume he pretty much thinks you’re letting him off the hook about disclosing any STDs he may have. Statistics show that a third of those who are HIV positive don’t know it. (“Assume the guy is positive even if he says he’s not,” says Goldstone.) But bottoms aren’t the only ones vulnerable to STDs (see sidebar). Which leads us to...

IV. Thou Shalt Not Try to Hide Thine STD Status: Sure, it can be almost as awkward to discuss that case of anal warts you got three years ago as it is to disclose your HIV status. But even if you haven’t had an outbreak in eons, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Which means giving your partner a heads-up about any virus, little or big, that you know is lurking in your bloodstream. If he freaks out, c’est la vie—he probably would have been a lousy lay anyway.

V. Thou Shalt Not Take Thy Bottom for Granted: This one’s for all those piggish tops out there who assume their bottom is a submissive, self-hating cock whore with no limits. “My biggest complaint is when they refer to ‘it’ as a ‘pussy,’” says one San Francisco bottom. “It may be pink. It may be tight. You may be putting your penis in it. But it is most definitely not a pussy.” It is an anus, and its owner may be a self-respecting taxpayer, voter and mortgage-holder who happens to like getting his guts pumped now and then. So, yes, spank him and call him names if he prompts you. But since he’s assuming the lion’s share of the risk, listen to his boundaries, which may include: No fucking without a condom, no anal fingering without a glove, no spitting on the condom to relubricate, no cumming in him even while wearing a condom.

VI. Thou Shalt Monologue at Thine Own Risk: It’s imperative for negotiating safety, but otherwise talking during sex can be risky. Commands and name-calling can be hot, but there are also gratuitous ethnic gaffes (“I didn’t know [insert race here] guys could be so big!”); scary flashbacks from old Falcon videos (“That’s right, private, eat my corporal ass!”) and truly boneheaded zingers (“Do I look like I’m positive?”). If you’re verbalizing and he’s not responding with a hormonal grunt, chances are he wants you to just shut up and fuck.

VII. Thou Shalt Not Commit Unapproved Cumming: This one’s for both tops and bottoms. Although it is not a sin to accidentally ejaculate prematurely (and according to Goldstone, it can often be treated with medication or therapy), it is not cool to blow your load without taking into consideration the desires of the other guy. To put it another way: You don’t get to dictate when the show is over.

VIII. Thou Shalt Not Commit Instant Replay: Bottoms, if you really want to make things exciting for your partner, wait awhile and let your sphincter recontract before letting the next guy in you. New York’s Gal Mayer, MD, suggests you wait 10 to 15 minutes between fucks. Says one versatile Brooklynite, “There’s nothing worse than when I’m fucking a guy who just got fucked. He’s so loose and flappin’ in the breeze, I can’t even feel it.”

IX. Thou Shalt Not Fuck Just for the Sake of Fucking: If the chemistry’s not there, don’t just muscle through the deed. Try something else—oral sex, for instance. Also, a simple “I’m sorry, I’m just not feeling it at the moment” gets you out of a tight spot (so to speak) without hurting anyone’s feelings. And if you have issues about being penetrated, address them by talking to your friends or your therapist. “Just because you get intimate with someone doesn’t mean you have to have anal sex,” says Goldstone.

X. Thou Shalt Not Bugger and Run: After spooging on the taut abdomen of your partner, the good book dictates that you not immediately push him out of your apartment or sex-club cabin with nary a thank you. Offer up some paper towels, compliment him, or, better yet, shower together and make some conversation, e.g., “Do you think Kerry will beat Bush?” or “Where in the world would you most like to visit?” or “What did you say your name was again?”