With very limited information, it sounds to me like you are experiencing a form of Stockholm Syndrome! A mental response which causes one to sympathize with the attacker or abuser. Somehow the mind helps place the victim in the shoes of the attacker or abuser. When that occurs, the attack or abuse is somehow seen as an act of love and or protection. So, in some cases, the victim can experience pleasure [or what may seem to be pleasure]. That view is the mind's defense mechanism to help the victim cope with the usually severe and damaging effects of of the attack or abuse. It can also lead to fantasies of being attacked or abused long after the attack or abuse is over.

Redd's Reference:

Dr. Michael J. Bader, author of Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies, writes: "It is quite common that children who were abused grow up and develop sexual fantasies loosely based on their abuse. The adult indulging in a fantasy of sexual surrender or abasement is actually saying to her or himself: 'I'm recreating a terrifying or traumatic scene, but this time I'm in control because I'm scripting the scene ...!'" [1]

"Tiny," I need for you to recognize the severity of this issue. I also need you to keep in mind that you don't have to walk down this road alone. You have a loving WIFE and children on your side to support you. Don't make ANY decisions without allowing your wife to be right by your side, completely involved in the next phases of your life. You OWE that much to her because marrying you interrupted her life [in a good way] as much as it interrupted yours! You need each other at this critical and very important time!

You and your wife need to invest in LIVE counseling sessions [NOT online sessions] with a Licensed Psychologist in your area so that you can deal with this issue properly. DO NOT [under any circumstances] take matters into your own hands and attempt to fulfill this fantasy of yours! It may seem to you like a simple pleasure, but it IS NOT that simple. Allow a trained professional to help you make sense of it all. Allow this person [along with your wife] to help you make the best, most informed decisions that will affect the rest of your life! It really is a matter of [mental and emotional] life or death so please be careful and don't take this lightly!

[1] Bader, Michael J.; Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies; New York, NY; Saint Martin's Press Publishing; pages 112-113; ISBN 0312269331

From my lips to your soul...

Redd